I used to be a pessimist, and found that didn’t work out so well. Over time I became an optimist, and found that didn’t work out so well either. Eventually I learnt to be proactive.

Optimism is far superior to pessimism. You look for the best, you find it and that makes you happy. But, I found it also made me slightly delusional. At some point reality came knocking and I realised that thinking positive thoughts only brought peace and happiness to me and to those I now smiled, rather than frowned, at.

Other people, on the other hand, were still bullied, fell ill, got injured, got killed, still suffered financial hardship, took addictive substances, still had their woes.

So the next stage was to be proactive. I used my re-awakened pessimism to find the problems. Looked for the good, the opportunities and the solutions with the optimism. Then got to work.

When I first made the distinction between dreaming and doing, it felt like an insight that would dramatically change my life in an instant. But the trouble with self-improvement is it’s never as easy as the books tell you. Yes, I thought to myself, I shall be proactive… but my first attempt involved pacing my house merely thinking about being proactive while the washing-up remained un-washed-up.

Over time, I did start being proactive on things that really mattered. Lots of things. A new thing every day. I wanted to solve all the problems in the world, and ended up solving nothing.

I learnt that I had to focus and the focus was to start with something selfish. I was reaching my middle-twenties and I had not yet established a career for myself. A career had to be the first stage, and I’d been neglecting it. I had fallen in love with the open-source software movement. I saw what good it could do to provide useful software to everyone for no cost and with the freedom to use it how they needed. More specifically, I found Drupal and examples of it being used by charities to help them organise, raise money and communicate. I loved how I could work on building a tool for commercial or even fun reasons, and then see the tool used for great things I could not foresee. I had found my career.

When that clicked I really did become proactive. I had found what I wanted to do and so stopped getting distracted. Over the past year I have spent my time learning to code, learning to design, and learning all the other ins and outs of being a web development professional.

I’ve learnt a lot in that year and a half. Not in small part because I didn’t stop for things like evenings or weekends. I got hooked on a dream – had a solid reason for following it – and managed to block everything else out.

My view of the world over that time has gradually matured. I keep on finding new bits of the puzzle and figuring out how they fit into the big picture. That’s exciting. Sooner or later I realised that I could make my own pieces and change the picture slightly. That is even more exciting.

It is addictive.

Right now I am learning how to make my first piece. It’s difficult and hard work but I am determined to figure it out.

But here is the problem: I hunger for my picture of the world, and the disparity between that and reality annoys me. There is a sense of having my optimistic delusional-self back, but somehow being aware of it. There is an arrogance in there, which wraps itself around an inferiority complex. And probably worst of all, although I love my family and my friends and would go to huge lengths to help them, I also resent them interrupting me or otherwise distracting me from seeking the world I would like to create. I want to help on my own terms. Somehow I’ve found a way to mix selfishness and selflessness together.

It’s not like this is a new personality for me. I’ve not really changed just because I now have a solid goal. It’s just that there now seems to be a reason for being the way I am. Not a cause, but a reason.

Unfortunately, I’m not really happy with who I am. I don’t have the fun that I could fill my time with. I don’t live stress free like I could. I’m not always there for my friends like I probably should be.

And yet, for the first time in my life, I am not willing to change.

Yesterday was my most favourite day in a long time. This is perhaps surprising when you consider the day started with getting up early and walking to the tax office!

I wanted to check whether I had to register to be self-employed with the HMRC. Turned out I did, but my situation is a bit odd so I haven’t done it yet. Instead I’m booked in to attend a workshop on self-employment next Monday. Basically I’m going to be learning about tax, but I’m actually quite excited. It makes things more real.

After that I spent a few minutes checking out a war memorial and dedicating some of my thoughts to the troops. That always humbles me.

Then I went scouting for a job, which will support my self-employment in the early days. I got a couple of leads for basic shop assistant work. Although I probably didn’t come across amazingly, I did enjoy the interaction. There was a certain pressure there for me to impress and the atmosphere of the exchange was different to a shop/customer exchange. The whole thing felt like a mission.

Then I realised I could get a lift home if I waited about an hour; otherwise I’d have to catch a bus. I decided to use this an excuse to check out the library. I’ve not been in a library in too long, and although this was nowhere near the quality and size I’m used to, I felt immediately at home. I think I’m going to visit more often.

I did all this before lunch. The tax office and job hunting were things I really didn’t want to do, but I pushed through them. The war memorial and library were impulse stops and are just always incredibly worthwhile things to do. To some people this probably doesn’t seem like it would make a particularly amazing day, but self improvement is all about pushing yourself a step higher that where you were previously. It doesn’t matter which step you reach; just the fact that you are one step higher.

I’ve decided something I really need to do is travel to the cities more. It takes about 50 minutes to get to Cambridge from my town, but I have to find my way to the local station first. If I can make use of that time somehow, I think it will be worthwhile commuting there more frequently. I may just spent the time in the library, but my main purpose is just to get used to travelling around and meeting people. London is only 2 hours a way, so I should do that too (though that is 4 hours travelling total). A lack of funds is still stopping me in both cases though.