I used to be a pessimist, and found that didn’t work out so well. Over time I became an optimist, and found that didn’t work out so well either. Eventually I learnt to be proactive.

Optimism is far superior to pessimism. You look for the best, you find it and that makes you happy. But, I found it also made me slightly delusional. At some point reality came knocking and I realised that thinking positive thoughts only brought peace and happiness to me and to those I now smiled, rather than frowned, at.

Other people, on the other hand, were still bullied, fell ill, got injured, got killed, still suffered financial hardship, took addictive substances, still had their woes.

So the next stage was to be proactive. I used my re-awakened pessimism to find the problems. Looked for the good, the opportunities and the solutions with the optimism. Then got to work.

When I first made the distinction between dreaming and doing, it felt like an insight that would dramatically change my life in an instant. But the trouble with self-improvement is it’s never as easy as the books tell you. Yes, I thought to myself, I shall be proactive… but my first attempt involved pacing my house merely thinking about being proactive while the washing-up remained un-washed-up.

Over time, I did start being proactive on things that really mattered. Lots of things. A new thing every day. I wanted to solve all the problems in the world, and ended up solving nothing.

I learnt that I had to focus and the focus was to start with something selfish. I was reaching my middle-twenties and I had not yet established a career for myself. A career had to be the first stage, and I’d been neglecting it. I had fallen in love with the open-source software movement. I saw what good it could do to provide useful software to everyone for no cost and with the freedom to use it how they needed. More specifically, I found Drupal and examples of it being used by charities to help them organise, raise money and communicate. I loved how I could work on building a tool for commercial or even fun reasons, and then see the tool used for great things I could not foresee. I had found my career.

When that clicked I really did become proactive. I had found what I wanted to do and so stopped getting distracted. Over the past year I have spent my time learning to code, learning to design, and learning all the other ins and outs of being a web development professional.

I’ve learnt a lot in that year and a half. Not in small part because I didn’t stop for things like evenings or weekends. I got hooked on a dream – had a solid reason for following it – and managed to block everything else out.

My view of the world over that time has gradually matured. I keep on finding new bits of the puzzle and figuring out how they fit into the big picture. That’s exciting. Sooner or later I realised that I could make my own pieces and change the picture slightly. That is even more exciting.

It is addictive.

Right now I am learning how to make my first piece. It’s difficult and hard work but I am determined to figure it out.

But here is the problem: I hunger for my picture of the world, and the disparity between that and reality annoys me. There is a sense of having my optimistic delusional-self back, but somehow being aware of it. There is an arrogance in there, which wraps itself around an inferiority complex. And probably worst of all, although I love my family and my friends and would go to huge lengths to help them, I also resent them interrupting me or otherwise distracting me from seeking the world I would like to create. I want to help on my own terms. Somehow I’ve found a way to mix selfishness and selflessness together.

It’s not like this is a new personality for me. I’ve not really changed just because I now have a solid goal. It’s just that there now seems to be a reason for being the way I am. Not a cause, but a reason.

Unfortunately, I’m not really happy with who I am. I don’t have the fun that I could fill my time with. I don’t live stress free like I could. I’m not always there for my friends like I probably should be.

And yet, for the first time in my life, I am not willing to change.

I used to watch a telly program called ‘You’ve Been Framed’. It was basically a collection of home video clips that were funny. Until, that is, they ran out of new clips, and it just became a series of people falling over. After not too long, I stopped laughing and started to actually feel sorry for the poor people who slipped, fell, had a piano land on their face, etc.

Then there was the presenter’s commentary.

In order to escape this commentary, we invented the web and waited patiently for YouTube to arrive. Which is fine as long as you ignore the comments. (Why can’t I can’t ignore the comments?)

Finally, today I came across an example where the commentary actually helps make it funny. I think the trick is to use it to tell the story behind the clip.

We like stories. And the best comedians tell stories rather than jokes.

Have a read and listen.

(I really do hope he doesn’t make it a ring tone.)

(If you don’t think kids are funny, try dads)

Wow. I completely missed the important England football match today because I was busy working. Not that I had to work, I was just so absorbed in it that I forgot.

I’m not sure if this is a problem or not. I mean, on the one hand I know it’s unhealthy to be obsessive. But on the other hand, most of the people I think of as personal heroes are. It kind of goes with the territory of doing amazing things.

So maybe I shouldn’t fight it.

Another personality trait I hate having is an inability to see when I’ve done good work. I have never produced anything that I’ve believed is good. Yet logically I know that I must be good at certain things because of grades or random praise from strangers. It doesn’t make sense that these could be lies, but I still feel in my gut that they are lying. I just can’t figure out why.

This is a good trait though. I think without it I wouldn’t really achieve anything. I certainly wouldn’t push myself.

But I hate it because it means that any feeling of a job-well-done lasts no more than ten minutes. Ten minutes before I come to my senses and realise what utter crap I have produced.

It drives me crazy.

But I don’t think I should fight it.

If I ever make you a cup of tea, the worst thing you can do is say ‘oooh, that’s a nice cuppa!’ I won’t believe you, and I’ll start stressing about it. The other worst thing you can do is say nothing.

In defiance I’m not going to proofread this post and I’m going to make myself publish it. Because it’s fine to push out crap every now and again. In fact, failing to do so might make me ill.

Oh crap.

Mike Cane has kindly reminded me of a horrific film moment from my childhood. I have just one scene in my head, because it is the only one I watched. That TV went off damn quickly, but the scene stayed firmly embedded in my head.

Stills from that scene are on Mike’s blog post. The film is The Reflecting Skin. I did not know that until just now.

Funny, how the emotions stay with you.

Deep breaths.

There is only one other film I can remember when I had a similar reaction. I remember it had subtitles and to my great surprise my first view of an adult penis. I was so shocked that I turned off the TV!

Next day I was a very confused young man. Kicking myself for turning off the TV and trying to convince myself that it was only the woman I was interested in seeing again. That scene is still firmly embedded in my head. Still no idea what the film was called.

Funny how the emotions stay with you.

Deep breaths.

Mum and Dad went to Lincolnshire today to look at puppies.  Apparently they can only walk a few steps before they fall over. Hopefully this is just because they’re babies and it’s not a permanent condition.
Pictures were taken, but father used the automatic focus and it automatically focused on the wrong thing.  We have clear shots of the bitch we are not getting but frankly I’m unimpressed — even though they basically all look the same.

So end of November we should be collecting a brand new Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.  Many of this breed always look angry (due to their eyebrows), but the blurred picture suggests Mum may have chosen one with a cute look.  But being a puppy (and blurred) it’s a bit difficult to tell for sure.